Go Ahead, Step on Those Broken Eggshells!

Sharp. Slimy. Gooey. Sticky. Jagged.

BROKEN EGGSHELLS

They definitely are not all they are cracked up to be. We choose to endure the internal pain rather than take the external route and just walk all over these broken eggshells to unleash our truth, our passion, our pain. Whether we internalize or shout it out, either way we suffer. To internalize means we have long-term suffering and to externalize means we may lo and behold have short-term suffering. Step out of your body right now and ask yourself this question: Which do you prefer?

We succumb to wanting to live the status quo life and figure we can get over things, let it slide, convince ourselves that it’s really not that bad, but in reality it cuts us deeper and deeper to the point of actual depression, anxiety, feelings of insecurity and insignificance.

I didn’t really realize how deep the cuts were until I took those first, second, third (and still flippin’ counting…) steps.

“Will he/she be mad at me?”

“Will he/she tell me I’m crazy for saying what I want to say?”

“I have known him/her for years, so why can’t I just express my thoughts naturally?”

“Why am I planning what I want to say in my head? Writing it down on paper? Rehearsing it? Oh, I know … let me add some nice things in there to soften my words.”

OMG…gag me with a spoon! Seriously? Looking back now, all I have is one word: WEAKLING! Seventeen years of my life were spent on eggshells. That is almost two decades. Lost. Almost two decades lost. The only positive that I continue to go back to are my two life sources, my children. Aaah, my shining lights and my proof that it was not all in vain.

The first time I wanted to confront wuzband (nice name for ex-husband without the hostility!) was after I learned that he “met up” with some girl. I became an undercover spy. Yep, when he went in the shower, I went on his phone. So sneaky. So pathetic. I heard the message from the girl that he ignorantly did not delete. First dumbass move (and the dumbass I’m referring to is me!). Why would a wife have to check her husband’s phone? Red flag! Ignored. Yes! My hand is up because it was ignored by none other than ME! Hmmm…ignored or purposely ignored so I would not have to walk on those broken eggshells?

Instead of doing or saying the right thing (and the right thing was to express what I uncovered and express my feelings about it), I stayed quiet. Because I knew if I spoke up, he would tell me that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, that if I think the grass is greener on the other side to go see for myself, that he may …  sniff, sniff … leave me! Oh the threats. All of the sudden, my discovering a woman leaving an inappropriate message on his voice mail is ALL MY FAULT! And somehow he made me believe it was my fault. What?!?!? So I chose to stay quiet.

Until that one day when I had enough. Sometimes that is all it takes — to just have enough! The cheats, the lies, the stealing, the deceit, the belittling, the manipulation and then all of the sudden you find your words. Words that have been brewing inside for days, months, years. Where did that voice come from? Alas, and truly all of the sudden it became clear what I needed to do, those broken eggshells did not feel so daunting. After so many years, my bucket runneth over! As my words swelled up in my stomach, passed by my ever so long broken heart, up into my throat and finally out of my mouth I felt the pain and agony of what was to come as I shouted, “I’M DONE!” Ouch. Darn broken eggshells. They hurt. They poked and they jabbed and they cut me like a knife. I felt scared. But then, the miracle of it all … holy cow … I felt the most beautiful pain I had ever felt!

The beautiful pain was freeing, empowering, passionate, deliberate, necessary. That pain still jabs and pokes and prods from time to time and will continue, but that is okay because I spoke up. I discovered the pain of sitting still is worse than the pain of taking that walk. Sometimes you have to endure short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain.

What eggshells have you been sitting upon? Is it time to walk all over those broken eggshells? What are your pros? Cons? Imagine each and make your choice. If you cannot make that choice now, that is okay. That just means you may not be ready. Your time will come when you say “I’m done!” and you will be walking the most beautiful, painful walk of your life.

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