LOST and FOUND

After years of any type of abusive relationship, you lose so much of who you are. As you endure the wrath of your abuser, you unknowingly give away some of the best pieces of yourself. It is unrecognizable to you while you are being gobbled up by the devil and only realized once you remove yourself from the toxic setting.

For 17+ friggin’ years I lost myself. The once confident, well-received and social person I was became buried under the grasps of my narcissistic abuser. Sure he would compliment me in front of others, but the compliments were always surrounded by demeaning undertones that would shake my self-worth to the core. He would always have to pat himself on the back telling me how nice he was that he complimented me in front of others. Mental, emotional, and/or physical abuse can destroy your life, your hopes and your dreams, who you are as a person, your self-esteem and your children. I am a good mother, but according to him I am only good because he allowed me to be a stay-at-home mom while he worked and paid for everything (and cheated, by the way!). When friends stopped calling to make plans with us, it was always, “What did you do to them?” He did not want others to like me. He wanted them to think indifferently about me so much so that he told outrageous lies. Like the lie he told his mom that my father had molested me when I was a child. How did such a far-fetched false story even get concocted in his head? He did this to create a distance in our families because he could not accept that I had good relationships with my family when his were screwed up, twisted and self-serving. Or the time I found numerous prostitutes on his computer that he contacted, only to tell me he was trying to locate a client for business and that I blew it all out of proportion and he can’t believe how he works so hard to support the family and I pull something like this. Um…it’s called being caught, but NOPE, instead I cowered under his spell. He got a thrill being entertained by the chaos he created.

Abusers will slowly and deliberately groom their victims for them to accept their abuse. It is called manipulation and it takes you completely off-guard. The victim will temporarily benefit from the pleasantries the abuser methodically supplies and will believe the abuser to be a good-hearted soul only to painfully later realize that was the plan all along. Abusers believe the web of lies they concoct so much that it actually becomes authentic to them. They have no reality, and no care for reality. Then a dog and pony show ensues as you question yourself and your own sanity.

Abusers will use every tactic in the book to tear your self-esteem to shreds in order to completely strip you of your identity. My abuser wanted me to do everything, yet he made sure I became dependent upon him so I would not leave. I took care of the kids, maintained the house, paid the bills, cooked the meals, did the laundry…ran the whole friggin’ show, but there was always a price. An alterative motive. If I did not do it all, then he would withhold money, not speak to me and basically create havoc.

When I wanted to discuss issues with my abuser, I would run through the script numerous times in my head just to be sure that I didn’t say anything that would upset him even though he was the one who created the issues. He would retaliate, change the subject and all of a sudden the topic would be turned around and somehow the blame was shifted upon me.  I felt like I could never win, so I convinced myself that the best thing to do was to stay quiet. I lost my power to fight back, to speak up for myself and to use my voice. I was lost in my very own body.

So many nights I spent crying myself to sleep as he lay next to me without a care in the world. I just wanted to feel whole again, but I didn’t think that would ever be possible. I knew of so many lies. Lies that I could not even repeat to my friends because I was so embarrassed for knowing them and still staying with a villain. I cried. A lot. I cried for the loss of myself. I did not even know who I was. Who was I before him? Who was I now? How did I get to this place in my life? I had no answers. But I swore I would NOT pity myself. I would keep persevering.

And I did keep persevering. I did until I could not do it anymore. I was waiting for a sign from above, below, sideways, upside down, backwards…you name it! I finally got that slap in the face sign. And I kicked butt! I got out of the tormented relationship, broke barriers I never thought I could (and broke down quite a bit along the way) and finally started cussing. Yep! The clean, non-potty mouth girl found HER FUCKING VOICE! And it feels liberating.

Looking back and learning about abusers, narcissists, and especially myself, I learned I was not the one at fault. I was not the reason for the abuse I received. I was a punching bag willing to take punches for years and became worn in, torn down and tattered. I was beat up. Exhausted. Damaged. Fearful. Apprehensive. But I picked my ASS up and said HELL no, I am not taking this BULLSHIT anymore. It took me awhile, and I am still a work in progress, however I am slowly finding not just the me I was before all this, but the better me!

What was/is your abuser like? Did you lose yourself? If you are still lost, please share your stories and perhaps I can shed some light, give insight or be a support. If you were lost and have since found yourself, let me know. Any and all stories can ignite a fire under anyone, and if it is only under one then we did our job. It is time to rediscover yourself. Take the FUCKING bull by the horns and bring back the person you were, but better!

Please share your stories, thoughts, accomplishments, happiness, strengths, etc. Hearing other’s stories are healing. I will respond back to you. So share!

Follow me on QuoteTherapy101.com and on Instagram at Quote_Therapy_101.

I’m rooting for you!