Too Much?

I never thought I was too good. Too good to be true. Too good for someone to feel worthy enough to be in a relationship with me. Too good to share private emotions, thoughts and dreams. Too good to let go of fears and simply believe. Even though deep down I have always known I am a good person, I would always think that I am blessed to be with him. I did not look at myself as an individual nor did I take the time to realize all the wondrous traits I bring to the table.

Time and time again I have dated guys that claimed to be head over heels wild for me. I’m so kind. So giving. So sweet. So sexy. So incredible. Blah… blah… blah. All the wonderful words any girl craves to hear. The best part (or the blinded-eye part on my behalf) was that their actions matched their words. Could this be real this time? My heart began to race. My palms got sweaty. That warm sensation of excitement permeated throughout my body. I believed I found my smitten kitten and wished to pursue the foray further. Then, after some really great dates, I got dropped like a bad habit.

Where did he go? What did I do? Think. Think. Think. Darn it. Was I too available? Should I have paid for that third round of drinks? Should I have had that third round? Did I come off too needy? Should I have not shared my divorce drama with him? It’s because I have two cats, right? Was my breath bad? Did I forget deodorant? Was it that darn black chin hair I forgot to pluck? Doubt. Doubt. Doubt.

But he professed how much he liked me. Kissed me like I was the only one. Stared deep into my eyes while grabbing ahold of my heart. Had his hands (and other parts) all over me. Wrote me a poem. Invited me to a baseball game that was over a month away. Greeted me with daily “good morning” and “sweet dreams” texts. Sent me emojis! He was the one. Or the one for a moment. How can someone go from 100 to 0 miles per hour in the matter of a day?

I received a text recently from one of my smitten kittens. After reading it (only like a million times over!), his words hit me like a ton of bricks. This text came after a 9 month alienation from an ex-lover who disappeared without much explanation even though we had wild, hot chemistry both physically and emotionally. He was someone who I had shared so much with. I fell hard for him, and him for me. It felt so real, so true and so natural at the time.

Nine months later, and out of the blue, came this message:

“I thought you were amazing. Inside. Outside. All of you. Which is great. But part of me was scared of it being too good to be true. Or you were too good or perfect for me.”

WTF? Can someone be too good to be true that they choose to run the other way? Do that many men have such insecurities within themselves to not realize that a genuine person is standing right in front of them? Hello?

Then it dawned on me. I am an outstanding person. Good morals. Kind. Generous. Respectful. Would bend over backwards for someone I care about. Thoughtful. Giving. Not atrocious in the looks department. Fit. Focused. Unselfish. Who in their right mind would give that up? A LOT OF PEOPLE according to my track record. But slowly and surely as each red brick came wailing at my head, I realized I am too good to put up with this shit.

It took me awhile to figure it out, and I still fight with the battle of doubt, but just because he did not want me does not make me less of a woman. I am so damn fantastic that the simple-minded, shallow, callous men may feel daunted by my presence. All those silly boys who walked in and out of my life were just stepping stones to my majestic landscape that awaits. So thank you and F-you silly boys for not sticking around because guaranteed you’d all be pieces of work that I don’t have time or energy to put back together. Knew it then, but covered it up because at the time each silly boy filled a void and offered me a distraction.

So when we think to ourselves, “What the hell just happened?” and we know deep in our gut that we did nothing wrong, is it because we are “TOO GOOD”? Think of it this way — it’s because they are not good enough. Not good enough of a man to be transparent and communicate their feelings. Not good enough of a man for what we deserve in our lives. Most men are limited in capability, not evolved enough or willing enough to do the work that could make a great relationship. In the end, they show their true colors while we still shine bright like a rainbow. While it may cause us pain and give us self-doubt, we need to have faith that it was a blessing in disguise. We do not want to be with someone like that. Sometimes what we believe to be rejection is simply the universe’s way of telling us there is something better in our future.

So…are you TOO GOOD? Hell yes! Don’t forget that. You are too good to settle. Too good to ignore red flags. Too good to wonder if he will call or text. Too good to be a pawn in his games. Too good to not realize that the universe has parted the sea to allow us to walk through and find our way to something better. And when that better comes along, you will thank your lucky stars that what you had wished for never happened. He was not ready for you, you were not worthy for his childish ways so the universe bestowed upon you unanswered prayers… that is until the right one comes along.

* Equal Opportunist: I would like to note that I am woman, hear me roar so I had to speak up for all the decent women out there struggling to make their way in the world to feel they are enough. However, I do know there are shitty women too and if you’re a man reading this — firstly, I think I may love you for reading this far (call me📱🥰) and secondly, I know you get dragged through the trenches too. So for every male pronoun you read above, it still rings true if you insert a female pronoun. Or, bitch if you prefer! But know this: YOU ARE TOO GOOD and that is a good thing.