“Waaaahhhh!” echoes the beautiful baby sounds ringing across the delivery room all the while knowing that YOU created a miracle on Earth. The unconditional love. The passion. The pride. It is amazing that two beings can create another phenomenal being. And in that, you relish the moment vowing to be the best parent in the universe. All in the name of this extraordinary tiny being covered in goop, blood, and all the other bodily juices.
Fast forward 13 years. “What the fuck did I bring into the world?!” When you love your children, but you can’t stand them. Did you ever think that day would come? Hello teenagers! Where the hell did they find that high horse to ride on and think that they are almighty? And as hard as you try to be that pristine parent you vowed to be at the onset, there is no turning back. You have entered HELL!
“Where have I gone wrong?”
“What have I done that was so awful?”
“For girls especially, are you on your period 24/7 or are you just a little bitch?”
“For boys especially, do you know how to flipping communicate aside from yes and no?”
“Calgone…take me away!”
No bath can prepare you for this onset of a life of being slaughtered, dragged down, feeling insignificant, and thinking that you have lost your marbles. “Clink!” yes, alcohol does help, so cheers to you if you have now become an alcoholic due to your teenagers (and thank you to the spouse, ex-friggin’ spouse or sperm donor as well for the nights – and even days – of contributing to our inebriation as well!). Yes, these precious little beings that we created, we applaud you for making our life so wonderful and so fucking miserable.
Remember when you would say, “Smile for the camera?” and your adorable little pumpkin would give their best cheesy smile? The image would be etched into your mind for all of eternity to relish for years to come. Nowadays the not-so-adorable little pumpkin will give you the annoyed look when you ask to take their picture. However, if they were to take a photo of themself on SnapChat or Instagram…hell, you’d see your child as a mini porn star revving up for some nasty. When did the tables turn?
I’m usually one to give hope or advise, but for this, you got me like Arnold from Different Strokes! “What’cha talking about Willis?”
Oh the days of entering the house after going to the market, getting your nails done, or coming home from work when your kids would rush to you screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!” and shower you with hugs and kisses are long gone. Now is the time, if you haven’t already, to invest in a dog. It’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Yes, I call my dog “my happy!”
How passionately do I love my teenager’s mood swings? Said no one EVER! In order to hope to get answers, you peruse the book store in dire search for books on how to raise your teenager, but you are unsuccessful. So you go to the help desk and they tell you exactly where to find what you’re looking for: Enter…da da da…the “Horror Section!” If you’re lucky, you’ll find a BevMo nearby!
And when did I become so embarrassing? I’m still kind of hip, attractive, and funny. The eye rolls. The “OMG…you boomer!” “You’re too old to be on TikToc.” Let’s all gather together and make a pact to embarrass the shit out of our kids so that all parents can be on the same page and our kids will finally have to accept us! Who knows the Renegade dance? Savage? Let’s go and embarrass these self-righteous millineals. Who’s in?
Love us. Hate us. But know we have the power to shut off their phone. Turn off the Wifi. If they’re not driving yet…ha ha…we can strand them at the place they claim to loathe so much – their home where they pay no rent and we have to beg them to put their dishes in the dishwasher! Or, just take away their car keys. Let the air out of their tires. Puncture their gas tank. We have our ways!
Okay, I can’t be Negative Nelly for too long. Here comes my silver lining hope for the future. Hang in there you miserable, beaten down, alcoholic parent. When your little fuckers go off to college or enter the workforce and have to forge on mostly on their own, they will come to the realization that you may have not been that embarrassing, old fart, annoying parent that they encapsulated you during their teen years. As their teens are relinquished, you will become their confidant, their best friend, their source of the one that will bail them out when in need, and the one who can lay their head upon your shoulder begging for advice (while not taking any of it!).
We, as parents of teenagers, are in a prison of hell, doing our time that none of us deserve, awaiting the day that the judge (our friggin’ teenager) realizes that we were wrongly accused. Will they ever admit it? NO! And don’t force them to admit it either. Just look up to whoever you believe in and say, “Good thing for alcohol!” and “Thank you for bringing my baby back who I fell in love with covered in goop, blood, and all the other bodily juices. I will forge on and happily take this little fucker back!”
Quote Therapy 101 