Understanding Your Narcissistic Abused Partner

When you have been with a narcissist for years and finally get the courage to leave, how do you move on in future relationships? If you have not lived a life with a narcissist, then how do you even explain it? The betrayal. The abuse. The horrific feelings of insignificance? Feeling like you are weak and broken. Feeling scared. Not trusting. Continual doubts and suspicions. It may not even be the newbies fault, but all you want is for them to comprehend and give you comfort from the horror that you actually lived that you cannot even explain. 

The newbies just don’t understand. They cannot get into your head because you cannot even explain it in simple terms. You were brainwashed. You were gaslighted. You were tossed all over the place and your emotions got entangled like a bundle of chains that were thrown in a jewelry box shaken for years. Where is the beginning? Where is the end? It will take years to untangle, if you are lucky. I’m still trying to untangle my chains that tied me down. The hardest part? I cannot even explain it clearly to anyone…or even to myself! That’s what a narcissist does. They take control of your brain, make you believe things that are not even true, make you feel sorry for them, and you become a friggin’ pawn in their messed up mind-twisted game. 

Then, after years of mental and emotional discord, I finally got up the courage to leave him. I begged God for a sign. For years. I didn’t get the sign. Until one day. One glorious day. I never thought I would pull up my big girl panties and say this, but I did.

“I AM DONE! I’M DONE WITH US! I’M DONE WITH THE LIES! I’M DONE WITH THE DOUBT! I’M DONE WITH THE DECIET! ALL THE YEARS YOU TOLD ME THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE…WELL, I’M READY TO PROVE YOU WRONG! I’M FUCKING READY!”

And that was the end of that chapter. Well, many addendums later and still sticking thorns in my side, but I know what I don’t want. And that is a beautiful lesson. Know what you don’t want and then what you want will be welcomed with an open door. 

I have learned who I am without him. I embrace all the glory of who I was while buried under the bullshit of the narcissist wrath. Now I walk with pride of the person I believe in — ME! While the idiotic narcissist still grates at my soul, I work so hard to dismiss that and feel proud of myself. I feel that I am pretty simple. I don’t want a lot. I simply want honesty, communication, comprehension, and one who will erase all the doubts that got created in the narcissist-abused head of mine. That person has to be one who deeply, truly wants me. I want to feel it. Deep in my core. I know I am a good person. I can say that with 100% truth. I love hard. I give hard. I am about putting myself in other’s shoes and viewing life from their perspective. But then I still have that weight of the narcissist that hands me red flags, self doubt, and fear. I constantly keep one foot in and one foot out as I refuse to be duked again. I need someone who can accept that, understand that, and work with me to break these chains of entanglement. I need patience. I need comprehension. I need the one who is willing to walk the path with me and tell me that I am worth it. That he would do whatever it takes because he cannot imagine losing me. That’s what I want. If you cannot give that to me, please do me the favor and tell me. Now. Not later. 

For those of you entering someone’s life who have been in a narcissist relationship, I think there are things you need to know to get to the heart of the one you deem truly special (because they are so special…they are the empaths of the world…the ones who would give anything to make you happy):

• Most are empaths which means they will give their heart and soul to you if you show them that you are worthy.
• When he/she tries to teach you his/her love language, take it all in and provide that for him:her. Let him/her know your love language and get ready for the ride of your life. 
• Do not lie. He/She gets shit. Just be straight up.
• Make him/her feel like perfection to you. Otherwise, he/she will have self doubt.
• He/She will say, “Can we fix this? I can’t lose you.” and tell him/her the same.
• You will get the best version of him/her when he/she feels safe around you. He/She will forever protect himself/herself because he/she has spent so much time healing and preserving.
• Write him/her a note or a paragraph and that will mean more to him/her than a dozen roses.
• Don’t play games. Tell him/her straight up what you feel. 
• He/She will have a sixth sense with you if you make him/her feel wanted. 
• Let him/her know you love his/her flaws, insecurities, and vulnerable side. Make him/her feel like he/she can trust you at all costs. 
• Text him/her even if you’re busy. One text or phone call exceeds miles.
• Allow him/her to reveal himself/herself in layers. The more layers you get, the more you will know he/she is opening up to trust you. And don’t fucking break his/her trust! Don’t!
• Make your words match your actions. Or just leave if they don’t. Just leave. Please. 
• Don’t fucking lie.
• Don’t judge. If he/she doesn’t make sense, he/she is still struggling to find his/her person. Be there for her.
• Remember his/her small details. Tell him/her about them.
• He/She will doubt your sincerity, your honesty, your words…but it’s up to you to make him/her believe. Make him/her believe!
• He/She has been fucked over, but that doesn’t mean he/she can’t be your fucking savior. You’re fucked up too!
• All he/she wants is your time and affection. Don’t screw that up.
• He/She will heal any wrong doings you’ve experienced. Allow him/her.
• Give him/her doubt, and you might as well say good-bye… or fight for this one because he/she is one of a kind!
• He/She is not difficult. He/She just wants to make sure you are serious before he/she gives his/her heart because when he/she loves, he/she loves hard. Be ready for it, or let him/her go early!
• All he/she wants is to be found. Find him/her.
• Show you are a person of character. Don’t flaunt it. Live it.
• Let him/her know you are afraid to lose her. He/She needs reassurance. 
• Convince him/her why he/she should not be alone, but why he/she should be with you.
• And, most importantly, comprehend him/her even if you disagree. Stand by him/her side. Give him/her support. Just understand him/her. His/Her traumas are valid and he/she is looking for a rock-solid supporter. 

Narcissists do not have the capacity to feel others’ feelings, so please take the time to understand and validate the feelings of someone who has endured narcissism. It is difficult to talk about, and even more difficult to explain. Be patient as the person you may be getting will exceed all your expectations because they are phenomenal. Just broken. But they want to be put back together with the right person. Are you that person?

Please share your stories, thoughts, accomplishments, happiness, strengths, etc. Hearing other’s stories are healing. I will respond back to you. So share!