Friggin’ Dating Apps!

If you have not yet read The Dating Game, check it out for the Part I account of a this rollercoaster ride. It’s a funny, yet pretty accurate, account of the initial process. Go to: The Dating Game

Friggin’ Dating Apps!

In the beginning, it was all fun and exciting. A new notification, a new message, a new piece of meat – who could ask for anything more?!?! A year later… God help me!

Come hell or high water, I am determined to find my soulmate out of the 7-plus billion people inhabitating Earth. Heck, I’d even be willing to get abducted by an alien spaceship at this point to see what other lifeforms are out there. Maybe creatures of another species know how to successfully satisfy a woman, because men on Earth sure as heck are clueless in finding that G-spot on their own! How many times do they need to be told? (Who has a dirty mind? YOU! G stands for Gentleman…just sayin’!😂)

I always try in life to be optimistic even after all the blows from my ex, the ridiculous court system, the job situation, my teenage children, and these friggin’ dating apps. I vehemently believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is just a long, dark tunnel to venture through sometimes! I keep telling myself P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E!

Where do I begin? Maybe a list would serve us dating app seekers best:

Match, Bumble, Tinder, POF, Hinge…whatever your platform, the excitement and curiosity compels you, grabs you by your horny, desperate heart, and sucks you in like an obsessed swipping freakin’ addict.

Your inner Sir-Swipes-A-Lot voice speaks to you and says crap like…

• “He’s hot. I’d do him.”
• “Loser!”
• “Damn…He can’t be real. How is anyone that attractive and still single? Oh, heck, I’ll swipe right just in case.” Silence ensues or he swoons you and then asks so cleverly for money.
• “Why so many pictures with fish?”
• “If you’re gonna show the abs, make sure you have some!”
• “Only one photo posted, and of your dog nonetheless…swipe left unless you’re willing to let me date your dog!”
• “That tongue he’s sticking out can get me into a lot of pleasure…oops, I mean trouble!”
• “Seriously, how in the world do you think these are your best pictures? Clean your bathroom mirror and all the crap on your sink!”
• “Flipping off the camera is not attractive.”
• “Are all your photos blurry because you look better that way?”
• “Trim those eyebrows!”
• “I really should go to sleep. Just one more swipe.” (Which turns into 50+ more!)
• Blah, blah, blah…

And now you’re a few weeks in which turns into months that (holy F!) turns into years and you’re still scratching your head shouting from the mountaintops, “IS THERE ONE DECENT IDIOT OUT THERE?!?! JUST ONE?! BUELLER? BULLER? BULLER?”

THE RUNDOWN

First date: Good conversation. The alcohol helped it along. The getting to know each other. The flirty flick of the hair. The batting of the eyes. The leaning in closer. The stare (omg…why is it so intense when your eyes lock with each other?). The walk to the car. The awkward hug and maybe a kiss…and if you’re feeling it, the make-out session continues…or more (no, Mom, never “more” on the first date! 😉).

The next day: The day after that. The day after that day. Maybe a peep or two depending on if the other is seeking another date. Otherwise…silence. Then it could be four, five, six days later and here comes the text (or not). You want to curse the suitor as you read it and say something like, “Shithead, what took you so long?” but you respond and graciously accept another date no matter how much you M-F’ed this suitor to all your friends. Oh, and if YOU are not interested, then of course he texts you either that night or the next morning. Go figure.

The game: If you act too eager, it could all go down the crapper. So you try to play it cool even though you tell yourself and everyone else that you DON’T PLAY GAMES. Don’t text back right away. Don’t pick up the phone when it rings. Don’t let the suitor know you are available at a drop of a hat. Ugh! Well, dating app thang…game on! Bring it!

Second date: This determines most heavily if it will continue. You seek what the other is searching for. Is it just physical? Is it emotional? Is it long-term or just for fun? You share your “baggage” and make your ex look like the asshole that he or she is or you play the angel and say how great he or she is but you just weren’t compatible anymore. Whatever. Oh…and if you have children….they aren’t baggage, but why do they come off appearing like baggage when you talk about them? We really do love those little squirts who impede our dating life, give us grey hair, and suck the life out of us. Nonetheless, they always come first — as you furiously battle an internal match with your horny side. And if there are no children…HALLELUJAH! “Sex at my place or yours tonight?” However, if the date moves along with ease and excitement, there should be discussions about the next rendezvous.

The outcome: Whether it continues to go well and move forward or you get ghosted, it’s still the game of the friggin’ dating apps unless you fall into the super rare category where all bliss prevails and you set off atop your horse gallivanting off into the sunset. Then that means it’s your time. Your calling. You, my friend, may be the rare success story in the toilet bowl of crap.

But if not, you sit and wonder why we can’t simply be blatantly honest with each other from the get-go?! This makes the most sense: “I see a future with you, want to know your innermost desires, meet your family, find our Kama Sutra positions…!” OR “I wish you the best, but I know you’re not the best for me.” YES! This is clear, direct, and leaves that agonizing state of bewilderment behind. However, it breaks every rule of THE FRIGGIN’ GAME.

The unbeknownst truth about women (men, PLEASE comment below to clue us women in on your views): As I sat across from a date, listening to him speak about things that resonated with me, all I could think about is how I’d love to sit on his lap, straddle him, suck on his voluptuous lips and run my hands through his succulently silver hair. But it’s a first date. HAULT! Nope. Can’t go there. Rewind. So I sat across from him intently listening as he expressed his thoughts that seem to align with my standards and values. Lap…Straddle…Lips. STOP! Aargh!

Guys think girls aren’t like that, but we are. We have thoughts, desires, wants, needs. If we are hot on you, we are having an intense verbal discussion with visions of the future with you while simultaneously having hot, wild sex in our minds. Why don’t we act upon our inner desires? We want to be respected. We want the guys to make the first moves. It’s not “lady-like”. And if you pounce on us right away, we likely won’t respect you either. Yep, double standard and doesn’t make sense. But afterall, we are women! We are following our Creator who designed us to not make sense to men.

To all the boys I’ve loved before (well, I haven’t loved one yet…but who doesn’t dig a Willie Nelson-like song): As I ride the carousel of men on these apps, more dates have come and gone. The temporary interludes since the Miami Vice, Luscious Lips, Mr. Lucky Charms and actor guy (see The Dating Game) have brought excitement, grief, fun, confusion, learning and growing. Let’s see if any of these interludes resonate with you.

Date Guy #5. David. Talked about life on a hill overlooking a mountain range, staring endlessly at the stars as our hands caress one anothers, confessing desires to be soulmates and contemplate the meaning of love. His words painted a beautiful picture and all those hundreds of tattoos on his fricken amazing, rock-solid body didn’t even matter. Two dates. Lots of kissing. Thoughts of compatibility ensue but as time goes on, only thinking he’s good for Wednesday’s (hump days). His words filled my head with romanticized hope, but discovered talk is cheap. Actions, man. Show this woman some actions. Bye!

Date Guy #6. Nick. Ten years younger than me. On fire…okay, I mean he’s a firefighter. Tattoo filled on a nice but sort of funky lower body. However, he’s a good dad and that is hot! We spend lots of time together and the sex is really good. He tried to make plans months out, yet doubt and uncertainity filled my head. I guess he read into that as he slowly began to wane only to realize weeks later he had a new hussy on his Instagram page. No formal goodbye. Just got Caspered!

Date Guy #7. Kurt. Musical and intense. I got a hand-written poem about me upon meeting him for the first time. He gave me a great, big, strong hug after our first date which went really well (respect props for not going in for the kiss right away). Right after, he turned into this big teddy bear with emojis galore, tons of texting, snuggly type of man. Three dates in, lots of affection and chemistry, had a son who appeared to be a teenage handful, and was the fuzzy wuzzy and cutesy wootsey type of guy. While not my go-to-look-of-a-guy, I like cutesy wootsy so kept it going until — chirp, chirp, chirp. SILENCE. It went from 360 to 0 mph.

Date Guy #8. Joe. Pulling in the parking lot to meet for our first date and I see this stocky, bodybuilder type leaning up against a pole awaiting my arrival. That used to be my go-to type however I didn’t have that attraction to him, but what a nice guy! Darn it…why didn’t I like him? I wish I did. He would have treated me like a queen. Darn me!

Date Guy #9. Jay. Just a fuckboy! Had no interest in long-term, just felt an attraction to him. Got what I wanted and then it faded.

Date Guy #10. Michael. Not my type. Blond. Nah, perfer brunettes. Bumble had an unattractive carosuel at the time so what the hell, let’s just go and enjoy. I thought he was the stuffy, realator type, but he was an aggessive one. Got me in the car after the first date and was overly handsy. I had to shut him down. We had three dates and then he told me that he likes me but there he doesn’t want to lead me on. Wait. I was the one using him for companionship. Duked!

Date Guy #11. Chris. Eighty plus miles away so I tried to put a halt on it from the Bumble “Boom…Match” until he threw the magical smitten words out saying, “I mean seriously, how far are we really willing to go to find true love?” Oh, yes, bring it! Let’s make this happen. We dated for about three months. He was sweet and thoughtful and that hooked me, but why did he have to be so snoring? I mean boring? Then his words did not match his actions (wow..shocker — NOT!) and I put on my big girl panties and gave him my thoughts and finito!

Date Guy # 12. Lindy. Oh Lindy. I still have an affinity for him. Tall, dark and friggin handsome. I could not decipher if he was cocky or confident so I settled on both. When we were together I knew he liked me by his grunts, eye stares, getting up to kiss me in the middle of a bite of my food, the way he picked my 5’3.5″ self up…hang on. I think I need to send him a text. “Hey there…come back. Come back. Pick me up again and sweep me off my feet!” Nope, I didn’t press send. No guts. Ug, I miss him. If only he was a better communicator.

Date Guy #13. Sean. I debated swiping right on him, but my friend said he was cute…so I swiped right. We ended up seeing each other for three months. We had a lot of fun together and enjoyed quarentine time with him, but I was never fully attracted and didn’t see a future. However he taught me to be more verbal sexually and we had a lot of fun together. (Everyone comes into your life for a reason, right?) Sean and I will remain friends. He is a good, pure guy. Grateful for him.

Date Guy #14. Tim. We connected months ago and had short spurts of converstation, but I didn’t pursue as I was having a #12 and #13 combo sandwich above. We finally met. Yes, he’s the “Lap…Straddle…Lips” guy I was referring to earlier. Flow of conversation. Laughter. Commonality. He walked me to my car at the end of the night, gave me a hug, and said that he’ll talk to me later. What does “later” translate to you? Um…two days later I text him as “Lap…Straddle…Lips” kept me awake at night. He took awhile to respond, but did and told me he had a nice time too. I replied. He read it. And NOTHING! Unless he texted you by mistake?!

There’s the latest rundown. And, boy, do I feel rundown! The silver lining in all this is I refuse to settle. I may settle for a month or so, but that’s the hopeful (and hopeless) romantic in me, but I know what I deserve. Self talk is imperative. Talk to yourself daily saying that you are worthy, that you are a rare gem, that you deserve the best, that you should not be sitting wondering, that you are doing your best to be honorable, respected and kind and your time will come. It may take many swipes, but remember P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E! You got this!

How many suitors does it take to get to the one? Perhaps 142!