The Dating Game

 

“I love online dating,” said no one ever!

Online dating. The fear of first signing up. The struggle to describe yourself in such a way to look good, but not desperate. The feeling of being like a used car sales representative selling yourself with tons of miles, some dings and scratches, a few fender benders, a bit on the slower side to start and may often blow hot air even when turned off. Then the negotiations begin. What are your must haves? What are your must avoids? Setting the standards high initially only to discover the hot ones are still players, just like in high school so you lower your standards and find those in the band, chess club or robotics a little more appealing (no offense to the high school geeks!). Then you come to the realization that those prospects are truly the good ones. Consistent. Reliable. Awe…nerds! So why do you keep clicking on the jocks and class clowns? Yep, online dating…the slippery road to being excited, disappointed, hopeful, scared, feeling your groove coming back to what the heck?  Let’s take it step by step.

• Step 1: Find the best dating app (or two or three or more…afterall if I am putting myself out there, I might as well go all out!).
• Step 2: Add photos. No, not the SnapChat filtered ones (well, maybe one or two because I look so good in those!) and let me find my best shots, perhaps the ones with a little blur or far away or a good boob shot (no prejudices on male or female boob shots as I’ve noticed!). Don’t be too slutty though unless you want to attract a fellow slut (or the modern-day high school version is called a thot according to my kids).
• Step 3: Bio. What the heck do I write? Age. Easy enough (tell the truth!). Do I even have hobbies? Is watching TV a hobby? Ah, playing with my dog may qualify as a hobby. Animal lover for sure. I hate mean people. Then there are the prepared questions on these apps like how would my 3rd grade teacher describe me? How do I know! I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. Should I throw in a pick-up line? How about: “I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.” or “Let’s flip a coin. Heads, I’m yours. Tails, you’re mine.” or “Is your name Google because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.” Nah, too corney. How can I sound less cheesy even though I am so desperate for a hot piece of … I mean so desperate for a date? Think of adjectives to describe myself. I just downloaded the thesaurus app. I’m all set now.
• Step 4: Preferences. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Lucious lips. Great hugger. Lives nearby so I don’t have to  break the bank on gas for each prelude. No more than 3 years older than me. No more than 10 years younger than me!!! Cougar life. Trump fan, um…swipe left. Has to have a steady, solid job. Kids or no kids? Convictions (maybe just one would be my limit)? Must like animals. Non-smoker. No narcissists, psychopaths or dominates please. And, please, do not have the same name as my ex!
• Step 5: Go! Omg…I just published myself for all the world to see, or at least all the lonely souls searching for their recycled soul mate. I hope no one I know sees me here!

Thoughts that go through my head: Message #1 … Message #2 … Message #21! They’re rolling in. Yay! OMG…why does the “viewed me” section look like a sex offenders register? Is this what I’m up against? Oh wait…there’s one that is cute. I’ll message him. Wait. Wait. Wait. What the heck? Why isn’t he replying? Oh, he didn’t pay for the app so he can’t see my message to reply. Cheapskate. Next! Awe, this dog is so cute in the photo. Can I just date his dog? Put your shirt back on. Oooh…this one should take off more than his shirt! How many selfie pictures is he going to post of him at the gym? Texting back and forth with some. It’s going well. I’m developing a little harem. I likey. My top guy just stone-cold stopped messaging. Now so did the others. This is the moment I realize that my phone battery lasts longer than most online dating conversations (and that’s even before I replaced my iPhone $29 deal battery!). I guess their next swipe right was more exciting than me. Rejection. I’ll continue swiping. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. The tip of my finger pad hurts from all this swiping. I’ll change fingers. Ug…not used to swiping with the middle finger and accidentally swiped right when I meant to swipe left! No, I wasn’t into him but now he thinks I am. Why does the word swipe sound so foreign all of a sudden? I guess that is what happens when you say swipe as you swipe each time (say swipe 10x fast). Do they think posting pictures of them with other sleazy women will make me want them more? He’s married but wants to find a soul mate to hang out with, have sex with and go to dinner with . . . pleeeeezzzzeeee! But his wife is kind of pretty. Am I that desperate? All I can say is if I meet someone offline and he looks nothing like his pictures, he’s buying me drinks until he does!

From my swiping, here are some tips of what not to post: Do not post pictures of you with friends that are better looking than you. Potential suitors will be excited for that hottie and quickly disappointed when they move on to your next photo only to see you minus your hot friend. Get more ugly friends to pose with. Learn how to focus your camera and use proper lighting. Take off your damn sunglasses – your eyes are the souls to the heart. Smile! Clean up your place before you snap that selfie, you slob. We’re not dating your kids, so get them off your profile (there are pedophile creepers that may be looking in. Protect your kids at all costs!). Smile. Enough bathroom mirror selfies. Put your entire face in the photo unless you’re just half a man/woman. Make sure your name isn’t my ex’s name (oh, that one may be tough). Don’t lie about your age. Spell check please.

From my swiping, here are some tips of what to post: Clear photos of your entire face. One smiling. One not. At least one full body photo so we know if you say you have a 6-pack it doesn’t mean a 6-pack of beer. Let us know if you’re married, single, divorced, separated or just flat-out confused (sheesh…do you know how many are married and are just looking to knock some boots?). Take your baseball cap off for at least one picture so we can see if you’re beautifully bald, have hair, dreadlocks, pompadour, mullet, etc. Delete all Snapchat filtered pictures. We don’t need to see you with dog ears and tongue. List how many kids you have that you are aware of and their ages. What do you do during typical working hours? Work? Sleep? Surf? Ski? Watch porno? Star in a porno? (I have been left truly flabbergasted to see what some of these crazies write!) Do you have hobbies? Perhaps explaining the acronyms you use will make it easier so your possible suitors don’t have to Google what they mean:

LTR = Long Term Relationship; D/S = Dominant/submissive;  FWB = Friends With Benefits; TG = Transgender; STR = Short Term Relationship; MBA = Married But Available; SD = Sugar Daddy (just to name a few).

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Nothing makes me more productive than online dating. 🙄 Wait…my kids need to eat dinner? I’m not through the merry-go-round of fish yet, so the kids can wait! Just a few more “X‘s” or swipes and then I can feed them. Laundry? Who needs clean clothes? Afterall, I haven’t found my man so the wash can wait. It becomes addicting. Sometimes I feel I need DAA, Dating App Anonymous, in order to detox as well as an index finger masseuse to relieve the pressure of swiping from the tip of my pointer.

Being on dating app sites definitely gives you a different perspective on what you thought you were looking for compared to what is out there as well as a new and enlightened understanding about yourself. Since I am just 4 months post-divorce, I realize I want to see what is out there and not settle with the first (or second or third…) guy I meet just as I have done in my past (look where that got me!). However, my empathetic side kicks in when I like someone and I don’t want to hurt them. I am working hard to be more open about my needs and wants to try to eliminate any hurt and I advise you to do the same.

“Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you.” Thank you Billy Joel. Our dating app community will try to abide by your lyrics.

If you are just starting out or been around the dating app block, know that it can be exciting, disgusting, nerve-wracking and disappointing all at once. It is sort of like Russian roulette, you never know who will pull the trigger and just go for it. But stay alive! I advise you to be brave, persistent to a degree and definitely truthful. I have messaged with many thus far, but only have gone out with four. Here’s a rundown of my so-called dating app life:

The rundown…

Date Guy #1. Stephen. He’s cute. He’s short. Why is he wearing white dress shoes? Flashbacks to the days of Don Johnson. Hello Miami Vice! Little Bohemian man trying to swim upstream in corporate America. Sitting at the bar and chatting and he plants a kiss on my lips 30 minutes in. Is this how dating in your late (cough…cough…) 40’s goes? Good, buzzed conversations about absolutely nothing. I figured, what the heck, I’ve been solo for years. Let’s get out of here and kiss. We do and it’s really good. Really good. Height doesn’t matter when you’re both sitting, right? We have been on four dates so far. He orders his drinks and food before me. Sits in his chair without pulling mine out. Chivalry is dead with this one. Strike 1. He wore his Miami Vice white dress shoes each date, except the last. Strike 2. We have fun together and are total compatible kissing partners. Do I see a future with him? No, not at all. Strike 3. But girls just wanna have fun, right? After what I have endured the last 17 years of life in my marriage, I deserve to have fun! And I am conscious that I am not doing it at his expense.

Date Guy #2. Eric. Nice 6’1″ manly man. Handsome. Has lips that are so luscious. Great conversation. Depth. So much in common. Has lips that are so luscious. Asks questions that actually make me think. I love to be challenged. We share similar ex-spouse and raising children stories and seem to really “get” each other. Did I mention he has lips that are so luscious? We close the bar, walk to my car and kiss in the rain under my umbrella. Ah, so romantic. Yep, confirmation on the luscious lips! He asks to see me again and we make a tentative date. I leave there saying I LIKE HIM!!! And then, dun dun dun…silence! Three weeks later, I text him asking what happened? I receive an immediate phone call from him filled with excuses and apologies. Blah. Blah. Blah. So you’re tall, dark, handsome, luscious lips and wanted by me, but I don’t need your lies. Ba-bye!

Date Guy #3. Michael. Another shortie. He didn’t appear that short in his photos. Had red flags on him during our texting, but thought I would give him a try. He’s fun, funny and cute for a short guy, but for some reason reminded me of Mr. Lucky Charms. Don’t ask! I learned a lot about him, his ex, his children, his work and he actually asked about me too. He wanted to kick the crap out of my ex for being the a$$ that he was/is, but if he tried my ex would just sit on him and squash him (happy to report the ex got fat after I left him…or I should say fatter!!!). We leave the bar and walk to my car. Nice guy, but made my mind up…not interetsed. Yay, so proud of myself for feeling it like it was! Big strides for me.

Date Guy #4. Chris. Not as tall as my imaginary dream guy, but not as short as Mr. Lucky Charms. An actor. Thinking in my head that may not be the best choice. Well, I’ll go and see. Afterall, my friend said that she liked his positive energy in his photos so I have to prove her right . . . hopefully. It was my first coffee date with a guy. He came in ripped jeans (that’s okay as it’s the thing!) and a zippered hoodie and wearing a cap. I guess it’s actors attire. We had good conversation and appeared to click. He asked me out again. And guess what? He actually followed through. Second date is a good, getting to know each other sushi date. I think I like him, but feel he’s ready for a relationship. Am I? No. Not at all. I still have demons and unsettled crap from my ex-narcissist. What do I do? I’ll take it slow and be transparent with him about where I stand.

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There ya go in a nutshell. Whether you are selling yourself on one app or tons of apps, go with the flow of the merry-go-round. You’re not marrying anyone anytime soon so just have fun. Biggest caution is to be smart and be safe. Always meet in public places and never go to their place or have them back to yours. Psychos know how to disguise themselves well. My ex sure did. Heed all the red flags you get. Do not ignore them. When you feel your dating app wishing well has dried up, retire it for a night and lo and behold tons more will pop up the next day. Sure, some get recycled, but afterall we are eco-friendly.

And last bit of advice, NEVER try to understand or figure out the opposite sex because…

Guy logic: She’s smart, beautiful, funny and has a great personality. Okay then, better go date someone else.

Girl logic: He’s smart, handsome, funny and has a great personality. Okay then, better go date someone else.

I think I finally found my soul mate…

LOL!

And if all else fails, become a crazy cat lady (or man)!